Just want to start this week’s recap by thanking everyone for correcting me in last week’s recap: I didn’t realize Martian Manhunter, not Supergirl, flew Bizarro off the planet, and I mistook Lionel’s mystery abductor for her as well. I try to be both fast and accurate in this recaps, and I messed up a bit. But let’s give this whole thing a comic-book spin: let’s pretend that Earth-2 Ryan made all those mistakes, but in my particular continuity, I get all the facts right. We good? Good.

It’s always painful to watch Smallville try and stretch out a plotline to serve as the uber-narrative for its particular season. Anyone who suffered through the interminable Season 4 “Kryptonian stones, gotta catch ‘em all!” plotline knows of what I speak. Season 5 pulled this off the best, with the combo Braniac/Zod storyline, and in Season 6…well, the less I think about Season 6, the less I want to pound my head against something thick and unyielding.

In tonight’s episode, “Kara,” we may have learned of Season 6’s overarching plot: the search for the Kryptonian crystal encased in Supergirl’s ship. The search for a Kryptonian crystal versus Kryptonian stones will be different because…um, well, there’s about 64% less likelihood of an episode featuring Lana Lang suddenly turning into a ninja princess for no reason whatsoever, as she did in Season 4’s “Sacred.” Let’s forget “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Lana” and just pray this narrative fares better.
And yes, Supergirl came to the foreground this week, after her cameo appearance in last week’s premiere episode. Turns out she was sent by Clark’s uncle, Zor-El, demonstrating that Zor-El and Jor-El’s parents were insanely unimaginative when it came to naming their offspring. (I would have gone with, I don’t know, “Francis-El” or “Duncan-El” or something, just so Ma-El isn’t shouting for one of them from the kitchen, and both come running in to find out what she wants. I’m just saying. Definitely not “Cam-El,” though. And no way should either of them been named “Lion-El.” And yes, I know her name wasn’t Ma-El, so no need to correct me below.)

Turns out she left Krypton around the same time as Clark, sent by Zor-El to watch over her then baby cousin. Problem is, though, that Kara managed to drive her spacecraft directly into the Smallville dam, rendering her for reasons I won’t even try to explain in a state of suspended animation, and if you think I’m gonna go for the “hey, Kryptonian women don’t know how to drive either, hah hah!” joke, well, then you’re sadly mistaken. I am well above that type of cheap humor. Excuse me while I uncross my fingers and continue. (All of this being said, I was pleasantly surprised at how good Laura Vandervoort was in the role. Her scene with Tom Welling at the end of episode was unexpectedly sweet and bodes well for the show in general.)

While I respect all that is female, Smallville continues to disrespect all that is Chloe. Good gravy. In the tradition of Smallville’s one-word episode titles, I forsee a series of Chloe-centric episodes called “Screwed,” “Shamed,” and “Unwanted.” Since Day One, we’ve known and loved Chloe as an intrepid, tireless reporter as well as a loyal friend to one Clark Kent. Through this all, she’s had to deal with an ungrateful Lana Lang, a vengeful Lex Luthor, and an untalented Lois Lane. But through it all, she’s worked hard to achieve her dream of working for the Daily Planet. And looked cute as heck while doing it.

Thing is, according to this week’s episode, all she had to do was walk into the Planet’s bullpen and shout, “I saw a spaceship, it was like, OMG, amazing!” and that would have ALSO landed her a job there. Lois screamed this very sentence verbatim (give or take an OMG or so) to Chloe, and lo, new Daily Planet editor Grant Gabriel is hailing her the new star reporter for the newspaper. Grant Gabriel is played by Michael Cassidy, fresh off his stint as Cliff on another CW show, Hidden Palms. I’m not sure what I find more unbelievable: the fact that Grant actually pushed Lois into producing this story, or that anyone from Hidden Palms found work after that God-awful show.

The Gabriel/Lane storyline served to effectively dismiss the majority of Chloe’s worth as a reporter, and since her self-worth is directly tied into her ability as a reporter, Lois’ eventual hiring at the Daily Planet serves as a ginormous kick in the teeth for Ms. Sullivan. Right before this announcement, Lois wrapped her arms around Chloe’s shoulders and says, “”I am no Chloe Sullivan and I never will be.” And everyone watching screamed, “YES! WE KNOW! ARGH!” If this version of Lois Lane were alive in the 1930s, she would have been a staff assistant in Alexander Fleming’s lab, and would have stumbled into his workspace while he was off having a cigarette break, and screamed, “Look, I discovered penicillin!” and then won the Nobel Peace Prize. She does hardly any work and yet receives ridiculous amounts of credit. I’m not a fan, in case ya couldn’t tell.

So now, we’re supposed to believe Lois is a better reporter because she has more passion than Chloe, whom we’re supposed to believe has simply coasted since high school on a cloud of ennui. Now, two things can salvage this ridiculous plot twist. One: Grant is the classic “more than meets the eye” type of guy, and I don’t mean in an Optimus Prime sort of way. This theory assumes he has an ulterior motive for hiring Lois. Two: this plot point forces Chloe to reevaluate everything about her life, at which point she stands up, clocks Lois with her laptop, and says, “There’s only room enough in the bullpen for one of us.” She then goes and makes out with Clark until he has super chapped lips. The end.

Back in the world of actual Smallville, Lex found Lana hiding out in China, the ease of which was explained as Lana luring Lex there to kill him once she found out he had been released from prison. Wanting to kill the man who entrapped her, Lana found herself unable to shoot a man unironically looking for atonement and forgiveness. Also? Michael Rosenbaum is prettier than her, which threw her off.

Turns out the explanation for the “Lana is dead” twist? Clones. Freakin’ clones, people. In the middle of Lex’s super-soldier experiment in Season 6, he decided to make himself a little Lana-bot. Wonderful. If Emperor Palpatine had gone this route instead of using Jango Fett as the basis for his army, then Star Wars would have been filled with scenes of stormtroopers asking members of the rebel alliance to stop lying, this once, and just trust them. (Actually, that wouldn’t be a whole lot worse than Attack of the Clones actually was.)

Lex’s near death experience has temporarily changed him, and his sole purpose is no longer world domination but the location of Kara, who saved him from drowning. If he finds out she’s related to Clark, then finding her will be easy, since all members of the House of El like to congregate at the barn at sunset. They appear to be genetically predispositioned to do this. Lex doesn’t need to employ all the resources at his disposal: just go to the Kent Farm, man.

This week’s episode ended on a dour note, with Jor-El giving one of his typically cheery, “The world’s about to end; stop slacking off, Clark” rah-rah speeches that inevitably turn out to be horribly bad advice. Kara’s character may indeed be a threat, but not in and of herself: clearly, whatever Lex does to/with her upon finding her, will send Lex down a darker path and once again pit Lex and Clark against each other by season’s end. How this ties into the crystal, and the hysterically named “U.S. Department of Domestic Security” (which I assume is one building over from the “Federal Bureau Of Looking Into Stuff”), and the whereabouts of Lionel Luthor…well, that’s for the rest of the season to tell us.

What did you think of Supergirl? Did Lois deserve her new job? And is there any way that China could “accidentally” lose Lana’s passport, rendering her unable to return to Smallville any time soon?