Oh, fer cryin’ out loud, “Heroes”.

All summer I’ve been talking you up, pushing people to watch you online, catch up with you on DVD, and you’ve repayed my work by sending three subpar episodes in a row my way, each slightly worse than the last.

OK, OK, not everything was bad, and in an effort to try and put things (and my perhaps overblown set of expectations), I’m gonna do a “Good, Bad, and the Fugly” edition of this week’s recap, detailing each of the approximately 539 storylines that tried to juggle this week. (Note to show: “Company Man” was the best episode of last year. Had only one storyline. I’m guessing there was a connection there, and not of the rainbow variety.)

But I’m warning you: not a lot of good, quite a bit of bad, and a whole heaping portion of fugly.
Peter Petrelli and The Irish Spring Gang

The Good

Watching Peter nearly TK that traitor of the Irish Spring Gang to death reminded me of one of last season’s most powerful moments: when Peter went all Anakin Skywalker on the Sandperson that was Isaac. The slight smirk on his face shows he absorbed not only Sylar’s power, but a little bit of his hunger for power, as well. Coupled with my theory that the serial killer is an Empath Gone Wild, it will be interesting to see Peter’s increasing ability (and increasingly blurred line of morality) dovetail into the search for a killer. (Also, this feeds into my “Peter and Nathan’s dad is the killer” theory.)

Also, watching the tattoo morph from the Celtic into the helix into nothingness was fantastic, and let me stop watching Peter use his ability to act smoove around da ladies. Much appreciated.

The Bad

Dude, you TK’ed a freakin’ truck. TK the box from Ricky. This is not rocket science. You tell people you’re an idiot, so prove it.

The Fugly

After all that, you’re not going to open the box? A life of crime and Guinness is better than any potential possible past? The past in which, you know, you probably attained all these powers? Not curious at all? Really? Not even a teeny, tiny bit? If curiosity killed the cat, you are one safe pussy, Peter.

The Dream Police

The Good

Clever use of Candace to induce the dreamworld for Sylar, clever to use a new actress in her role (makes total sense, for once, to recast a role in a major show), and a great payoff on the “real” Candace, who looked exactly as she insinuated to Micah near the end of last scene.

Also, Sylar going old school and using a sharp shard to tear open her brain was both welcome and gruesome.

The Bad

Sylar tends to heal REALLY quickly at REALLY opportune moments. First with Mohinder last season, and now tonight with Candace. Dude’s all, “Ugh, man, I feel soooo baaaad and AHA, psyche! Gotcha! Oopsie, there go your brains to the floor. You totally fell for that! Ha ha!”

Also? He all but invoked the legendary rap group Snap and shouted, “I’ve got the power!” upon taking her ability.

The Fugly

Reserved until we find out who’s behind Sylar’s rehabilitation. We’re meant to think it’s Linderman’s group, but I wouldn’t be so sure.

Crouching Tiger, Whipped Hiro

The Good

The whole “I’ve left Ando notes in my sword” was a pretty forced, but ultimately successful way to tell this portion of the tale. It made sense in that Hiro heard all these stories as a kid, and is passing them on to Ando. Neat little way to illustrate how legends are passed along.

Kensei’s look upon returning from battle with the 90 angry ronin was also well done, and understated. He could have done the English equivalent of “Yatta!” (I think that’s “Whoop, There It Is”), but in that moment of quiet victory, David Anders demonstrated the start of his character’s path to greatness.

The Bad

The princess at one point says something like, “It seems like there are two Kenseis…one who is rough and one who is sweet.” I yelled at, “It seems like there are two Kenseis, and one of them is about four inches taller than the other. Also? One always wears a mask and the other acts like Captain Jack Sparrow. Are you a legendary princess or an Ohio State coed?”

The Fugly

Assuming Hiro can travel back and forth at will, leaving at any time and returning at any time, theoretically he never has to tell Ando that he has to stay in feudal Japan longer, right? He could stay twenty years in Japan, and materialize back in Kirby Plaza ten seconds after stabbing Sylar, correct? This is why I hate time travel as a narrative device. It makes my head hurt, my feet ache, and gives me the hippy hippy shakes.

Blunder Twins Activate!

The Good

The guy in the jail cell next to Alejandro looked a lot like James Blunt, so, you know, enjoyed seeing him bite it.

The Bad

Dude then got revived after the break. Dang it.

The Fugly

Seriously, Alejandro, why are you surprised at this point by the body count your suster leaves in her wake? Your expression is always, “My God, this has never, ever happened before!!!” But it has dude, a lot. Like, every time I’ve watched you, it happens. And I only have a small sample of your life. I don’t want to extrapolate, since that might be a touch unfair, but man: when you absorb her death tears, do you also obtain short-term memory loss?

My Two Dads

The Good

Mohinder and Suresh are possibly the most normal, most loving, more original gay couple on TV.

The Bad

Wait, they’re not gay? Are you sure? Super sure?

The Fugly

Parkman makes an excellent point early in the episode, which is, “Dude, your plan with Noah is dumb. It’s as dumb as Peter not opening the box. You will die a peasant’s death. Parkman’s point is that The Company will outthink Mohinder, but then again, Mohinder’s the kind of guy who loses $20 a day trying to figure out which cup the ball’s in.

I Believe I Can Fly…and That Your Dad Tagged My Wings

The Good

Loved, loved, loved the reveal of the painting (even though mostly I was suffering tech envy: what phone takes pictures at 18 megapixels?). The foreground of Noah’s bloody head and the background of Claire kissing…someone was pretty dope.

The Bad

I’m confused, though…I thought the series of eight paintings would show how the remaining eight of the old guard of heroes would bite it. But Noah’s not one of the original. So there goes that theory, I guess.

And West…West has two powers: the power of flight and the power of huge, enormous dickery. And the fact that he gets off scot-free just because he takes her into the ionosphere? Makes Claire look like the dumbest woman alive, even dumber than the Irish borad snogging Peter when most people would think, “This guy could TK my panties off, I’d better run.” (Then again, many women would also think, “This guy could TK my panties off, I’d better fix me an appletini; things could get plenty interesting.”)

The Fugly

Absolutely NOTHING about Claire’s reaction to West’s tag makes sense. She’s already been down this road last year, in the events leading up to “Company Man”. She knew her dad was a bag man, but now it’s suddenly once again awful now that FlyBoy is in the picture? “Heroes” worked hard in Season 1 to take Claire and Noah on an exhaustive, believable ride towards ultimate acceptance, only to now throw away all that work in the name of suspense. I’ve never liked Claire less than I do right now.

Niki, Jessica, and Katrina

The Good

Uhura!

The Bad

Um, pretty much everything else. DL must be in heaven saying, “Great, nice, only the black man died in Kirby Plaza. This is ridiculous.”

The Fugly

Niki trying to “cure” herself reeks not only of “X3”, but another plot contrivance to insert drama into a static situation. She saw firsthand the files that Linderman’s group had on her last year, saw the invasive nature of their group, and spent a year trying to escape its clutches. And this is the group she’s now turning to in order to “cure” her? Ugh.

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What did you think of this week’s episode? Leave your thoughts below!