OK, so we’re all just going to forget “Fierce” happened, right? There was never a Miss Sweet Corn Pageant and there were never any Weather Girls and Lois never got an assignment to stop the genocide in Darfur or whatever ridiculous assignment she got. Never, ever happened. Just a bad dream, my pretties. So let’s feast on this week’s episode, “Cure.” After all, much like Huey Lewis and the News, I want a new drug.

And who better to deliver said remedy than Dean Freakin’ Cain? Am I right? The former Superman himself stopped by as this week’s villain, Curtis Knox. If you didn’t get that he and Clark Kent share the same initials, well, there was that handy, chloroform-laced handkerchief with the initials emblazoned upon it to make sure Smallville rammed home the in-joke. (This one was up there with James Marsters’, “There’s no such thing as vampires, Clark,” in Season 5 for sheer tackiness.) I am a touch disappointed the show landed Dean Cain but not Teri Hatcher, since who better than her to play a woman trying to escape the ravages of time? Still, having one is still better than having none, and Cain brought a great deal of both charisma and energy to this week’s episode.

Knox was a combination of Dr. Frankenstein and Dr. Freeze, all wrapped into a nicely enunciating, immortal package. Turns out Knox cannot die, and appeared throughout history like an ageless Forrest Gump. Oooh, there he is at Woodstock! Look, there he is at the signing of the Treaty of Versailles! Get a load of Knox laying down those pyramids! Kudos to Lex Luthor for using his vast sums of money to do a Google images search and find Knox in various historical photographs.

This led to possibly the funniest exchange in any show of any genre in any time period Curtis Knox could have ever consumed entertainment, from the beginnings of Greek tragedy through YouTube. The exchange took place in Lex’s hospital room, after Lex suffered his first concussion of the season. And you know what? That warmed my heart, because it’s not truly a Smallville season until Lex gets cracked in the skull. Sorta how it’s not really Fall here in New England until the leaves start turning. But I digress. The following exchange took place, verbatim:

Lex: “Knox isn’t dead, Clark. He came after me. I put six bullets in his chest. They didn’t leave a scratch.”
Clark: “You’re saying Knox is still alive.”

Boy, no one ever accused Clark of being Mensa, did they? Furthering the taxation of mind, we also learned of some pretty large tension between Martian Manhunter and Kara. Turns out Manhunter took out Kara’s father at Jor-El’s behest, taking Clark’s father’s side in that Kryptonian version of Cain and Abel. (Lot of Cains in this episode, I guess.) Both test Clark’s loyalties in the barn, trying to force Clark to take a side. Unfortunately, Clark has this look of, “I still can’t quite figure out if Knox is dead or alive; give me a few days, guys.” Both sides feel the other is dangerous, neither will budge, and by episode’s end, Kara has left to find her crystal, the item that will either save or destroy the world. Or just be used to give Lex another concussion. I suppose that option’s still in play.

Lex, for his part, hired Knox to “cure” the various meteor freaks left over from 33.1. After all, in the world of Smallville, exposure to meteor rocks inevitably turns you into a certifiable killer or simply certifiable: in Lex’s mind, he’s doing them a favor by curing them of their ailment. Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that Knox’s background in neurosurgery allows him to do a mindwipe on these patients, rendering them unable to recall any time spent under Luthor’s watch. (So, I guess Knox is part Frankenstein, part Freeze, part the Haitian from Heroes. Nobody expects the Curtis Knox!)

Hearing of a supposed cure, Rogue, I mean, Chloe, decided to leap directly into harm’s way, paving the way for the all-time longest “Kick Chloe While She’s Down” segment in Smallville history. I mean, this was one, prolonged, Matrix-esque bullet time kick to the teeth. And while we all saw it coming, it didn’t make those of us on Team Chloe any less depressed by the time the credits rolled. Essentially, if I have this correctly, she dates a racist boyfriend (he’s anti-meteor people, and even those who control bees with their minds are people too, darnit), tries to cure herself to stay in the relationship, finds out he’s “cleaning video” with Kara over Chinese, almost gets herself killed, and then lacks the guts to tell him the truth about her condition, and ends up depressed, lonely, and alone in the world.

Did I cover everything?

The show had to invent some reason for Jimmy and Chloe to break up, and so they decided out of nowhere to turn Jimmy into Yosemite Sam every time the subject of meteor-infected people came up. And rather than have any scene were Chloe could try and suggest maybe being a meteor-infected person wouldn’t be so bad, they just had the strongest willed, most intelligent person on the show cower in front of a man whom my wife initially described at the beginning of the episode as “squishy,” only to upgrade her assessment at episode’s end to “doughy.” Well, there’s that then. (I mean, they couldn’t at least have had Chloe bust out a rendition of “It’s Not Easy Being Green” at the Talon’s Karaoke Tuesdays?)

The only saving grace for Chloe’s character occurred as she lie strapped down next to Knox’s wife. Knox questioned Chloe about what she could know about true love, to which she replied, “I know there’s someone I want to live to see again.” And my insides went all Jimmy (that is to say, squishy), because I thought she was talking about me. OK, kidding, but I did think for a second, just a second, that it was possible she was talking about Clark. After all, I’m pretty sure no one in the audience ever truly bought Jimmy as a true replacement for Clark (hell, even Jimmy didn’t buy it, given his guilty outburst at episode’s end). But furthermore, Clark used HIMSELF as the greatest example of why Chloe’s potential memory loss would be reason to avoid “curing” her.

Now, while Clark’s intentions could have consciously platonic, there was a lot of subtext built into that scene, as well as Chloe’s statement later on in the episode to Knox. No one will ever accuse me of being impartial to this potential pairing, but even you haters out there have to admit the potential seed was being sown in these few moments in the show.

Elsewhere, Lana continued her admirably consistent work at dragging every scene she’s in down to the ground until it begs for mercy. Simply unreal. I mean, we’re supposed to be seeing Clark and Lana at their most “gaga,” to quote Kara, and yet there’s more heat in the Fortress of Solitude than there is between these two. I mean, Lord, they have anti-chemistry, these two. No scene between them clicks, although Lana’s instant messages and Room 618 have me holding out hope that her coldness is due to an overarching plan to overthrow Lex Luthor, and not due to the fact that her very essence makes nearby puppies die.

As for her secret chat buddy: Lionel Luthor, perhaps? We still haven’t seen who rescued him from the season premiere. We know she’s learning LuthorCorp secrets. We know she’s gone all Candid Camera on the Luthor Mansion. Who else but Papa Luthor could augment her efforts? Oh wait, I forgot, Lex dubbed her the greatest criminal mastermind in the history of history, I suppose this was all her doing. She wired the cameras, she hooked up the plasmas, she got her wireless internet running smoothly. She didn’t need Papa Luthor, and she didn’t need Geek Squad. She is Lana; hear me weep.

What did you think of Dean Cain’s appearance on the show? What’s Lana’s ultimate plan? And what songs would you select for various Smallville characters to sing at karaoke?