When I bought my Playstation 3, I really didn’t buy it for the games. Oh sure, I play games on it, and quite a bit (though primarily on weekends only), but I really wanted to get in on television and movies on Blu-Ray. I had an inkling Sony would win the high-definition battle, and paying $400 for a PS3 was better than paying $350 for an XBOX 360 then paying an additional $200 for an HD-DVD player. I’m nothing if not frugal. Or, you know, broke.
So, in buying the PS3, I got a rebate coupon for five free Blue-Ray movies, in addition to getting Spider-Man 3 with the unit itself. (Verdict: Unashamed to own it, quite giddy I never paid to see it in the theatres.) Course, there was a catch to the five free movies. I had to mail in the coupon along with proof of purchase, a copy of the sales receipt, the UPC barcode cut directly from the PS3 packaging, and I think I had to send in one of my kidneys as well. And oh yea, I could expect my movies in 3 months. Faaantastic. By the time I received them, high-definition DVD would have been replaced by 3-D opti-scan technology that beams directly into my brain.
And secondly, I couldn’t pick any five I wanted. It had to be from their list. And moreover, I could only choose one movie from each of five tiers of movies, ranging from “Hey, These Are Pretty Good” to “I’d Rather Be Kicked In the Nuts By A Woman Wearing Spikes on the Top of Her Shoes”. But hey, five free movies is nothing to sneeze at, unless, like, you’ve got a cold and stuff.
So to my surprise, today my free Blu-Ray discs come, a full two months ahead of schedule. This leads me to believe that the distribution model for these Blu-Ray freebies consists of some guy named Ted living in a shed outside a warehouse full of Blu-Ray discs, and he sends them when he’s good and ready. And Ted…he’s got my back. Let’s look at the choices I had, what I ultimately chose, and why.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
I’m not sure seeing a bloated John Travolta in high-def is such a good idea. And I already own Pirates, haven’t watched it in years, and couldn’t even be bothered to see the third installment in theatres last year. And I never managed to see The Prestige, so this was easy. I read the book, thanks to my brother, so I know the basic plot, but I have a man crush on both leads, and Michael Caine’s pretty easy on the eyes as well. Oh, and apparently someone named Scarlett Johansson is in it. Blech. Girls have cooties.
Superman: The Movie
Full Metal Jacket
Hey, I would like to see Halle Berry’s breasts in 1080p as much as the next guy. But that’s a horrible movie. Jacket is great if you want to just wonder why you bother to get out of bed in the morning, and really, I didn’t pay $400 to be that depressed. And come on, Superman is a classic, approximately 8795 times better than the awful Singer movie, and now I get to see Reeve own the screen in high-def. Done, done, and done.
Stir of Echoes
The Devil’s Rejects
Jesum, who did I piss off to get these selections? Ted, you’re killing me here. I don’t need to see Kevin “I see Six Dead People Connected To Me” Bacon populating my 32” LCD, and I’m pretty sure Congress passed a law forbidding Rob Zombie from busting out into high-def formats. When in doubt, I go with Bale. At least this way I won’t keep seeing the same five minutes of Psycho I always do when channel surfing.
I take my initial comments about Tier 3 back. This category is a landfill waiting to happen. I’ve seen the first two, pretty much hated them both. The latter I choose with much hesitation, as the Boob Tube Babe hates Milla Jovovich more than I hate Alex Rodriguez. I’m convinced that, in another life, Milla peed on the Babe’s best blouse. I swear. According to the cover art of the movie, “The Blood War is On!” Alllrighty then. Duly noted. Maybe Milla should team up with Kirsten Dunst and unleash Bring the Blood War On upon an unsuspecting public.
Flight of the Phoenix
The Last Waltz
I’m actually a fairly big concert movie buff, so this was an easy choice, even though I’m hardly a fan of The Band. Not against them, just not exactly for them, either. But I have a few dozen concerts on DVD that I can’t wait to upgrade to better picture and sound. Given that my other choices involved an EFF…BEE…EYE….AGENT inventing cold fusion, a movie I didn’t even know existed until Sony offered it to me, a terrible remake involving Eowyn of Rohan, having to see Michael Madsen’s mug in HD, and Colin Farrell playing second-fiddle in a soccer-less version of Victory, I’ll take a load off, Fannie.
So there you have it. How’d I do in my choice?