Hey boys and girls,
In years past, I’ve done a live blog for the MTV Video Music Awards. (Here’s my 2008 edition. I think I skipped 2009 because I was covering “Mad Men” over at HitFix, or was suffering from a horrible case of the “I don’t give a craps.” It’s unclear. My mind is hazy.)
Mostly because I hate myself. But also because it’s an excuse to tune in and see all the videos that the network didn’t actually air over the past year, see the crazy fashions, and see if this is the year that Kanye goes all in, straps some C4 to his personage, and live tweets about in from the stage.
I’ll be starting at 8 pm EST, with the red carpet, and going on throughout the night until 1) the show ends, or 2) I die of alcohol poisoning. I have a 12-pack of Sam Adams here to help me along this journey, and hopefully, I’ll have some of you along for the ride as well.
See you tonight!
8:00 pm: The cast from “Jersey Shore” might be speaking English, but I literally can’t understand a word they are saying. Something about sandwiches and grenades, although I can’t be sure when they are talking literally or figuratively.
8:01 pm: There’s very little funnier than combining “Sway” and “live television.” Literally anything can happen, except “anything positive.”
8:03 pm: Tonight’s theme? “Collaboration.” I guess that’s a better theme than, say, “Chlamydia.”
8:04 pm: Paramore’s on the red carpet, which isn’t so much red as blinding white. I’m regretting making this my first VMAs in high-def already.
8:06 pm: Apparently, the internet chose Suchin Pak’s VMA’s outfit. I’m proud to say I dressed myself, and somehow Suchin and I ended up rocking the same dress. This is awkward.
8:07 pm: We meet Gabi Gregg, MTV’s Twitter DJ. Apparently Justin Bieber is trending 4th tonight. In related news, I saw a pig flying overhead just behind Gabi.
8:08 pm: Gabi wants us to trend “#ifbiebermetgaga.” I’ll shorten that to “#apocalypse” and save people the precious characters.
8:11 pm: In a commercial, Pop-Tarts is promising a huge announcement during tonight’s awards. I’m hoping for a throw down against Hot Pockets for overall “crappy food in crappy pastry” supremacy.
8:13 pm: At this rate, given the hype, I’m assuming that Nicki Minaj is the biggest artist of all time. The fact that I had to Google her name to find out who she was counters MTV’s opinion. (And no, I’m not telling you the initial spelling I typed in to find her. Sufficied to say, Google helped. A lot.)
8:15 pm: This sums up how important videos actually are to MTV: Sway’s running through a few pre-show awards, and the time it takes to announce the nominees lasts longer than a clip of the winning video. (In case you’re curious: Lady Gaga picks up both, and miraculously, the world keeps on turning.)
8:23 pm: We’re more than 20 minutes into the VMA pre-show and still no sign of John Norris. Could my fondest wish be finally coming true?
8:24 pm: Jared Leto, alongside his band 30 Seconds to Mars and a whole lot of people that couldn’t afford tickets to Burning Man, just arrived on the white carpet. I’m thinking I’m too old to be watching this year’s awards. Maybe I should start trying to trend #ifletometgaga.
8:32 pm: It’s good to see Rainbow Brite finally get the chance to perform on the VMAs. What? THAT is Nicki Minaj? Oops. My bad.
8:34 pm: Nice of will.i.am. to take his time out from living inside the TRON computer to make an appearance onstage with Nicki.
8:42 pm: How more of the “JackAss” cast isn’t already dead is a wonder of science. How many things CAN you take to the crotch before your bod just says “F U” and dies on you?
8:44 pm: The cast of “Jersey Shore” going to “JackAss 3-D” just gave me the horrible, horrible image of “Snooki 3-D.” I may not sleep for weeks.
8:50 pm: So when does Arsenio Hall show up?
8:51 pm: I’m pretty sure MTV’s Twitter VJ might be an insidious plot to actually make Twitter seem uncool.
8:52 pm: Not sure why Kei$ha’s going for a “Clan of the Cave Bear” meets “homeless person,” look, but that’s why I’m not her. Among other reasons.
8:55 pm: How many imaginary animals had to die so that Lady Gaga could wear that dress?
9:02 pm: Looks like MTV’s taken a cue from its European Awards and created quite the futuristic, space-spanning set. We’ll see how it works out throughout the night, but it makes quite the cool first impression.
9:04 pm: Here’s my over/under on songs actually starting AND finishing in a performance all night: two.
9:06 pm: A montage of buttslapping and an appearance by Lindsey Lohan? Not a strong start for Chelsea Handler, though her Gaga-esqe entrance is an improvement. Too bad the joke goes on about 2 minutes too long.
9:10 pm: Chelsea’s trying hard. Way too hard. “Leotarded”? Really?
9:12 pm: Ellen Degeneres started to introduce the nominees for “Best Female Video,” but then realized she wasn’t qualified to make judgments about music and then left the show.
9:13 pm: OK, just kidding, Ellen’s still onstage, and awards it to Lady Gaga, who is 3-3 so far tonight in awards. If these awards meant absolutely anything, I’d be impressed.
9:14 pm: Not the biggest Gaga fan, but bringing discharged soldiers screwed over by “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” as her guests? Pretty damn cool.
9:25 pm: I laugh way too much at “JackAss” stunts. Yes, I’m part of the problem.
9:26 pm: OK, pack your bags and tell your parents you love them. Jared Leto just won a VMA. Armageddon is upon us. Somewhere, Claire Danes is watching MTV with a furrowed look on her brow.
9:28 pm: Love it when MTV hosts an award show, gets a lot of people inside the theatre, and then hosts performances in other venues. On the plus side, I don’t think anyone inside is going to miss this lipsynched Bieber performance on the inside.
9:30 pm: Oooh, party foul on the drum solo, Bieber. Don’t think I didn’t see that. Still, that was better than your singing.
9:38 pm: Nearly 40 minutes in, only two musical performances. Is this the Video Music Awards or “American Idol”?
9:40 pm: Trey Songz just introduced Usher as “Ursher.” Before I can think about how wrong that sounded, “Ursher” wows me with some sweet lasers, treadmills tricks, and slick dance moves. Oh, Ursher, you’re kinda killlin’ it out there.
9:45 pm: Eminem’s apparently was afraid of Katy Perry and flew back to NYC before accepting his award for Best Male Video.
9:50 pm: Hey, Auto-Tune jokes! Next up, Chelsea Handler will announce SHE’S ON A BOAT, WITH HER FLIPPY FLOPPIES.
9:51 pm: Florence and The Machine have one of those names you see in local papers, the type of name you read and think, “They’ll need to change that before they get famous.” Names like “Forestry and Pain,” “My Uncle Will Wreck Your Sex Parts,” and “My Little Pony Had a Lobotomy.” And yet, here they are, performing on the VMAs. Huh.
10:00 pm: OK, giving the “Glee” cast the same intro as the “JackAss” cast? Handler’s first funny moment all night.
10:01 pm: Love Jane Lynch’s cape. I bet she fights all sorts of awesome crime in it.
10:02 pm: “Best Pop Video”+”Glee cast presenting”=”Biggest No Brainer of the Night.” Vegas wouldn’t even let you place bets on that one. Gaga wins again.
10:06 pm: We’re a few minutes into Taylor Swift’s “F U Kanye” song. I wish Cee-Lo was involved. Might have more punch.
10:08 pm: Not only can Taylor Swift perform decently good pop music, she can make HER BAND DISAPPEAR ONSTAGE. She’s multitalented.
10:10 pm: I think “World of Jenks” was invented so “Sh$t My Dad Says” wasn’t the worst titled show of the Fall Season.
10:12 pm: The Rhapsody ads in the middle of this Drake performance remind me of those annoying “V” ads during the Sun/Jin episode of “Lost” this past Spring.
10:14 pm: Remove Drake, and you’d have a pretty sweet Mary J. Blige performance here. Oh well.
10:16 pm: Hey, look, it’s two people from that HBO vampire show I wouldn’t watch unless the only other option on TV was a “live” Justin Bieber performance. They announce four tech awards, and we go right to commercial. Huh. Weird.
10:35 pm: I’ve stopped reporting who is winning these awards due to 1) an increase in apathy, and 2) an increase in beer consumption to get me to the end of this show.
10:42 pm: I’ve got the over/under on songs B.o.B. will perform in this medley at 46. Dude, take a Ritalin already.
10:44 pm: Been meaning to wrote this all night: the overly large stage is cool in theory, but too often swallows up stars that don’t have the personality to fill it up on their own.
10:45 pm: We’re segued from B.o.B to full on Paramore now. It’s like a live version of the Genius mixes on iTunes.
10:47 pm: How can MTV be able to tell me exactly how late Kanye is running, but there’s nothing in place to tell me when my next subway car is coming? Boston sucks occasionally.
10:53 pm: Best New Artist is Justin Bieber, who hysterically can’t find his way to the stage. Lady Gaga, who has been up 45 times already tonight, has to show the way. There goes that TomTom endorsement, Biebs.
10:56 pm: You CANNOT have a better light show than the LA sunset in the background of this Linkin Park performance. Think I’ll just mute this horrid song and enjoy the view.
11:03 pm: Cher shows up in the “If I could Turn Back Time” outfit. We should just cede the inevitable and mer here our Warlord Supreme. This woman is going to outlast us all anyways.
11:05 pm: Quick, someone shoot Cher in the face. If my theory is right, her skin is so taut the bullet will merely bounce off.
11:08 pm: Nice of Lady Gaga to bring back arias to acceptance speeches. Very old school of her.
11:10 pm: Well, I guess douchebags don’t get enough toasts. Hadn’t thought of it that way, Kanye.
11:11 pm: If I could have made 20 predictions about this performance, none of them would have involved “ballerinas.”
11:12 pm: Quick, someone fix Kanye’s mic! It’s broken! Oh, wait, it’s just Auto-Tuned past the point of recognition. Nevermind. We’re all good.
11:14 pm: So, in summary: talking about innocence gets you tepid applause. Talking about douchebags and a-holes gets the crowd chanting your name. Lesson learned.
Thanks for keeping up with my live-blogging tonight. What did YOU think of this year’s VMAs? Leave your thoughts below!