The Alterna-Golden Age of Television

Between the lackluster crop of new shows and the steady string of repeats that have already started to flood some stations, you’d be forgiven for thinking this Fall hasn’t been the best for television. That’s not to say there aren’t standout shows currently on the air. But I think I’d fail to find anyone that wouldn’t want to switch things up a bit and see what emerged from the television rubble.

With that in mind, I’m going to throw out some scenarios of how that might look. Imagine, if you will, that what happened at the end of the third season of “Fringe” affected not only that show’s universe, but every other television show universe as well. Characters got switched between programs. Certain characters started to work together, or oppose each other. Since the fourth season of “Fringe” features a gold-tinged title sequence, let’s call this the Alterna-Golden Age of Television and see what we might find on the dial.

***

The scene: Terra Nova

Commander Taylor: Welcome, son, to Terra Nova. Didn’t catch your name there when you came through the gates.

Jon Snow: Snow, sir. Jon Snow.

terra_nova_taylor.jpgTaylor: You come from the 10th pilgrimage? Don’t remember seeing you with Shannon and the others.

Snow: No, I come from Winterfell, originally. But after that, I took the black at The Wall.

Taylor: The Wall, right. You’re our transfer, right? Part of that exchange program set up way back when?

Snow: Something like that, sir. But I must say things here are a little…different from that to which I have recently become accustomed.

Taylor: How different can it be? You have a wall, we have a wall. Same thing.

Snow: I don’t mean to speak out of turn, but our Wall is slightly more substantial than yours.

Taylor: What are you talking about? We built this sucker out of wood planks spread so far apart most small creatures can easily climb between ‘em. Aside from that, it’s a whole two stories tall! I bet your wall ain’t that high! Nothing, aside from prehistoric birds that show up while our citizens are having sex, could ever get past that lofty height.

Snow: About the fornication, sir…it’s all men on The Wall. No women allowed. We sacrifice such earthly pleasures in order to pledge devotion to our cause.

Taylor: I’ll be sure to note that as we pass by the large farmer’s market adjacent to our Starbucks near our fully powered homes. By the way, who did we send over in your place while you visit us?

The scene: The Wall

Maester Aemon: And how have your first fifteen minutes been so far, boy?

Josh Shannon: F#ck this. I’m leaping off The Wall to my death.

***

The scene: a laboratory in Harvard University

Daniel Faraday: No, no, your theories don’t make sense. We have to use Minkowski spacetime in order to return all of us to our own worlds. Now, all we need to find is a hydrogen bomb buried somewhere under Harvard Yard.

Walter Bishop: How dare you come into MY lab and lecture ME on the proper solution? And stay away from my blender! Or it will be death for you, and for everyone! Sweet, delicious, strawberry-flavored death!

Walter White: Huh. You know, Brock LOVES strawberry milkshakes. Thanks, Walter. That’s just the breakthrough I was looking for.

***

The scene: an arena somewhere in America

Jim Ross: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! We’ve got a real slobberknocker for you here tonight. We’ve got members of different factions all here to compete in a three-way match for the title!

Jerry Lawler: Oh man, I’m so excited! Just hearing their catchphrases just gets the entire crowd fired up!

Dalek: EXTERMINATE!!!

T. Rex: RRRRAAAAWWWRRR!!!

Hodor: HODOR!!!

Jim Ross: C.M. Punk’s here to help us with color on this match. Punk, your thoughts?

C.M. Punk: Somehow, this match still features better writing than anything since Summerslam.

***

The scene: the parking lot outside the Outdoor Man sporting goods shop

Mike Baxter: There’s nothing I hate more than being a man in a woman’s world. We men used to rule everything, and now, look at us: completely disempowered and under the thumb of the women who have supplanted us!

bunny.jpgBunny Maureen: Darn right!

Eve French: Suck it, Mike!

Mike: Who the hell are you two?

Maureen: I work in The Playboy Club in the early 1960’s.

Eve: And I as one of Charlie’s Angels. I work in the present, yet find myself in a more anachronistic employment position than my new pal Maureen here.

Maureen: But that’s OK.

Eve: Totally OK. Because we’re both…

Maureen and Eve: EMPOWERED!

Mike: Know what? I take it all back. No reason to panic. We men are just fine after all. Gonna go home now and find out what “Glee” is.

***

The scene: an abandoned highway outside of Atlanta

Andrew Lincoln: OK, everybody…we have walkers coming! Quick, everybody, under the cars!

Tom Haverford: Yo, Z-Men: How ‘bout y’all come over here and TREAT YO’SELF!

Andrew: Are you insane? Are you actually inviting the zombies to come and eat us?

Tom: Look, Linc: I’m a people person. Alive, or undead, I’m just looking to hand out some Entertainment 720 swag. And let’s face it: you survivors ain’t much fun. I’m all about expanding my base. Right, Jean-Ralphio?

Jean-Ralphio: *grunt gurgle drool*

Tom: Well, that’s just great. My partner got himself bit, probably because he didn’t wanna do anymore paperwork.

Andrew: That’s besides the point now. Can’t you use your energy to help us out of this sitation?

Tom: I’m one step ahead of you, my good man. Hey, D-Man: know how you like killing people that had it comin’? There’s about 800 hundred headed in our direction. Whatcha gonna do?

Dexter: I’ma gonna TREAT MYSELF.

***

The scene: The SAMCRO headquarters

Clay: Anyone seen Gemma? Jax, where’s your mom?

Jax: No idea, Clay. We’ve been boarded up tight for a while now, no sign of her. But while she’s not here, um, someone else seems to have shown up.

jules-cobb-photo.jpgClay: Who?

Jules Cobb: Um, me, silly! Now where’s a girl get her pinot around here?

Tig: We don’t serve wine here, only whiskey.

Jules: Then, why did I bring Big Carl along for?

Opie: Actually, that was really helpful. We broke him up into a hundred pieces and force fed it to a member of the Mayans who tried to skim from us.

Bobby: So whose old lady you supposed to be, anyways?

Jules: Old? OLD? I know you just didn’t call me old. I will have you know I work HARD to look this young, and if anyone calls me old again…

(All of SAMCRO gives her an evil stare.)

Jules: …then I’ll just have to learn how to shoot whiskey, won’t I?

Meanwhile, over in Florida…

Laurie: Either I’m really buzzed off this wine, or Jules looks way different today.

Andy Torres: I like it. Kinda of a hot biker mama thing. Ellie, why don’t you ever wear leather for me anymore?

Ellie Torres: Can it, Easy Rider. This ain’t Jules.

Gemma Teller Morrow: Damn right I ain’t. And as soon as I figure out which one of you I like the least, I’ll steal your car and head back to Charming as soon as possible.

Grayson Ellis: But…there’s no crime here! That’s why we all love it here! It’s safe! It’s the cul de sac!

Gemma: We’ll, as long as I’m here, we’re calling it the Cul de Half Sac. Get it?

Grayson: Got it.

Ellie: Got it.

Grayson: Got it.

Bobby Cobb: Huh. I don’t get it.

4 Comments

  1. Posted October 24, 2011 at 10:06 pm | Permalink

    I would watch the shit out of a Cougar Town/Sons of Anarchy crossover. Brilliant!

  2. mri
    Posted October 25, 2011 at 8:35 am | Permalink

    aaaaaaaaaaaaaawesome. and le sigh that the BFL’s show isn’t more awesome. can we do a mashup of Person of Interest and True Blood or something? not too terribly far fetched since his wife is on that…

  3. Posted October 25, 2011 at 12:12 pm | Permalink

    I’m not sure which I like better, Jules trying to hang out with SAMCRO, or Gemma in the cul de sac! I would definitely watch both of those shows. Maybe even live, with commercials!

  4. Posted November 6, 2011 at 7:54 pm | Permalink

    Amused that even though you used characters names for almost everyone, Rick Grimes from TWD got called by his actor because who the hell remembers anyone’s name on that show?

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