From the Archives: The “Lost” Musical

My laptop probably should have died a year ago, but it’s relentlessly chugged along long past any reasonable amount of expectation. Still, I’ve been backing it up lately, just on the offchance it decides to commit seppuku when I try to open Microsoft Word and GarageBand simultaneously. While doing so today, I realized I’ve been backing up stuff I’ve written since 2004, more or less when I started blogging seriously. That’s meant I’ve found some older stuff I thought had been long gone.

One of the favorite things I uncovered was a musical parody of “Lost” that I cowrote with my wife back in 2009. At that point, I was writing about the show four times a week, every week, for Zap2It. I did that for two and a half years, regardless of whether or not the show was actually airing, from 2007 through the series finale in 2010. It was a great gig, and basically landed me every subsequent one I got. The idea that a website had money to pay me that much each month seems ADORABLE at this point. The idea that I generated that much content when only about 50 episodes aired while I had the gig seems INSANE at this point.

Part of how I did it was to write things like, well, parody musicals. I did one for each season up to, but not including, the finale one. (I would have, had I continued writing there, but that’s another story.) The basic gist was that I would rewrite each season as a musical, with the characters singing parodies of rock, pop, or even Broadway hits. A lot of it didn’t work, but it was incredibly fun to write, especially the rap and the musical numbers. (The idea of Daniel Faraday singing OutKast still amuses me.)

You can find the original articles deep in the completely redesigned Zap2It site, but if I could give any super obvious advice to anyone writing for online outlets, it would be to continually invest in good external drives. Even if you use a cloud-based service to back up work, it’s always good to have it safe at hand. What I thought I’d do is share some of my favorite songs from that multi-month endeavor, along with brief contextualizations of where they would fall in the series. Not all of them are complete, line-by-line parodies, but most are. You’ll see the songs get more ambitious as the seasons tick by.

The best ways to enjoy this:

  1. Watch “Lost”. That’s kinda important in terms of getting the jokes, or you know, any reference at all.
  2. Cue up the songs and semi-sing/hum along.

Hope you enjoy this trip down memory lane!

Season 1

These first two are from “White Rabbit,” in which Jack first sees visions of his father, he and Locke have the first of their many arguments about the nature of the Island, and Jack utters one of the show’s most famous lines.

(To the tune of George Michael’s “Faith”)

Locke:

Hey Jack!

I know your mind’s in disarray

You saw your father just today

And you think his suit was blue

But Dooooctor

Maybe we all were brought to here

For reasons that are yet unclear

I looked into Island’s eye, and what I say is true

Before this Island, I was a cripple

And now I do a soft shoe on the shore

So reconsider your science-based thoughts

When the answers aren’t so easy, you just need a little more

Cuz ya gotta have faith

Yes, I’m a man of faith

Jack you gotta have faith, faith, faith

(To the tune of The Beatles’ “Come Together”)

Jack:

We got a monster he come tearing up big trees

We got little water people gettin’ all thirsty

We got caves nearby with aqua to spare

Shoulda had my Daddy but the coffin was bare

You’re starting in-fights, wanna crucify poor Boone

Its been nearly a week now and there’s no sign of rescue

If we hope to live another week

Listen to the words here now that I’m gonna speak.

Live together

Or die alone

Here with me.

This is set in episode 9, “Solitary,” in which Sayid is captured by someone he didn’t know was on the island.

(To the tune of “Suddenly Seymore” from “Little Shop Of Horrors”)

Danielle Rousseau:

Haven’t seen a soul

Can only hear whispers

Montand died early

Man, that was whack

Dear ol’ Robert

Well, he caught the sickness

Tried to gun me down

So I shot right back

But suddenly Sayid

Is strapped down besides me

He might be an Other

But still this sure rocks

Suddenly Sayid

Is here to repair me

My favorite item:

Robert’s music box.

Late in season one, there’s a mystery over who sets fire to the raft meant to get people off the Island. We learn who did, and so I wanted to give that character an appropriate song. This has one of my favorite lines of any parody we wrote.

 (To the tune of Talking Heads’ “Burning Down the House.”)

Walt

Awww…

Hey Dad

Where you been all my childhood?

Think that

Time here would make things all good?

I…kill…birds…just…with…my…brain…

Burning down the raft!

Now while here on these crazy shores sometimes I throw some daggers with

One John Locke, see he’s my friend

He knows I’m special, why can’t you? Why the heck you wanna leave?

That’s real tough to comprehend!

And to close things out for season one, I gave Michael a chance to say his favorite word as the big twist occurs. It’s super short, super stupid, and still makes me giggle.

(To the tune of Guns ‘n’ Roses’ “Sweet Child o’ Mine.”) 

Michael:

He’s got a beard that seems to me

Reminds me of Gordon’s fishery

But hey, I can’t complain, we’ve found rescue

Now up close I get really tense

Cuz lighting that flare didn’t make much sense

And all our hope and dreams have gone askew

WAAAAAAAAAAAAALT lost child o’ mine

WAAAAAAAAAAAAALT lost child o’ mine

Season 2

We kick things right off in the hatch with our favorite Scotsman. Think of this sung by an omniscient narrator detailing the action.

(To the tune of Bob Dylan’s “Subterranean Homesick Blues.”)

Scotsman in the Swan hatch

Entering a Numbers match

Putting on the Mama Cass

Thinking about his former lass

Sticks injections in his arm

Avoiding any further harm

Look out there, you better beware

The Losties got some dynamite

Gonna blow your pad tonight

Grab a rifle, grab a knife

Adding to your daily strife

Shoulda made Penny your wife

See ya in other life

About midway through the season, we get our first big scene between the Losties and the Others (the “light ‘em up!” scene), and so I wanted to get everyone’s perspective. So what better way than to bust out some old-school Sondheim?

 (To the tune of West Side Story’s “Tonight (Ensemble).”)

Michael: A right, a right

It is a father’s right

To find his son even if there’s no plan!

Jack: A fight, a fight

No time to be polite

Although I am a scientific man!

Tom Friendly: A blight, a blight

You all are such a blight

You people are not worthy of my clan!

Kate: In spite, in spite

Of what they said tonight

I’ll go though no-one says that I can!

Ben: Tonight my plan goes into action

I’ll have my satisfaction,

I’ll see my heart’s delight

I will ingite

A schism when I come into the light!

This is one of the few I think could work if this were ever staged, as an upbeat but ultimately tragic duet set right around the time of the episode “Dave” and “Two For The Road”. The “bloop” reference is one I use a lot, as it was a word uttered by Hurley in season five to describe the disappearance of the Island at the end of the previous scene. It became an inside-ish joke on the blog, with myself and commenters using it as every possible part of speech. The idea of a full Broadway chorus singing the background “bloops” is fantastic. Maybe FOX’s upcoming production of “Grease” will slip this in?

 (To the tune of Grease’s “You’re the One That I Want.”)

Hurley: I got pills

From the asylum.

And they helped maintain control.

But on the island

I don’t feel numb.

Maybe I can get some!

Libby: You better not jump, (bloop, bloop, bloop!)

you’re part of the plan (bloop, bloop, bloop!)

and to kiss you makes me cry. (bloop, bloop, bloop!)

Don’t be down in the dumps (bloop, bloop, bloop!)

I know how this began (bloop, bloop, bloop!)

And I know this is goodbye.

Hurley: Yes I’ll go and get the wine!

Libby: You’re the one that he wants.

Chorus: But who is she working for? Hoo, Hoo, Hoo, Hurley!

Libby: The one that he wants.

Chorus: But who is she working for? Hoo, Hoo, Hoo, Hurley!

Libby: The one that he wants.

Chorus: (But who is she working for?) Hoo, Hoo, Hoo!

Libby: The one he needs.

Oh, yes indeed!

The big events at the end of season two need a big song. And what’s bigger than this one? It doesn’t always perfectly as a direct sing-a-long, but it’s pretty close. After completing this, I knew every season needed a mega-number to end each season.

 (To the tune of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.”)

Des: Is this the failsafe?

Should I just turn the key?

Here at the crossroads

Two paths sit right in front of me

Our Mutual Friend, will this be the end for me?

I’m just a coward, Full of hostility

Been here for three years now, all demeaned, stuck inside, quarantined

I could let the dam blow, but that is no guarantee… we’ll see.

Tom Friendly: Michael liberated Ben,

First pumped Ana full of lead, Libby showed up now she’s dead.

Michael has a list in hand

And now he’s got to lead his friends away

Michael, oooooh, (anywhere that Walt goes)

Bea Klugh sure made you cry,

And though your heart is filling up with sorrow

You press on, you press on, though Jack knows what you’re after

Michael: Too late, the trap is sprung,

Bodies writhing all around, shock darts sent them to the ground

Off to Pala Ferry, we’ve got to go,

To trade you for my son it’s quid pro quo

Michael, oooooh, (you are such an a-hole)

Take bearing 325

And you’ll find rescue for yourself and Waaaaalllllltttttt

Sawyer: I see a Henry (actually his name is Ben),

Dam is loose! Dam is loose! Now the sky is all purple!

Blue skies start to shatter, damn exotic matter, see!

Locke: How is Eko? (How is Eko?)

What’s this echo? (What’s this echo?)

Where is Eko? Down below!

Imploded? Nooooooooooo!

Bea: James, Jack and Kate will join our big family,

We don’t need four, odd man out is Hurley

Go tell your friends of the Others’ decree

Hurley: Make me come, make me go, man this really blows

Bea: Shush Hugo, now we must make you go

Hurley: Sorry bros!

Bea: Now we must make you go

Hurley: Sorry bros!

Bea: Now we must make you go

Hurley: Sorry bros!

Bea: We must make you go

Hurley: Sorry bros!

Bea: We must make you go

Hurley: Sorry bros!

Bea: Aaaaah

Hurley: No, no, no, no, no, no, no

This is worse than gonorrhea

Bea: OK, Hurley, now you go

We have plans for these three, these three, these threeee….

Really Cold Portuguese Guy: This machine here is beeping, come give me a hand

This alarm’s not a false one, why can’t you understand?

Oh Penny, get a call through to Penny

We just might have found

We just might have found that Island.

Des: Now the Swan’s imploded, nothing here to see

I unleashed the floodgates

Wonder what will happen to me…

Any way that time flows….

Act 3

This is a pretty short one to start off the season, but I think this would be awesome to do at karaoke all the same.

(To the tune of Johnny Cash’s “Folsom Prison Blues.”)

Jack: I hear Juliet a comin’

She’s brought me a grilled cheese,

They want me to fix Ben’s spine,

But that makes me ill at ease.

I’m stuck in Hydra Prison,

Don’t know where Kate has gone,

But when I split Ben’s kidney open,

I’ll tell that pair to run!

Kate: Tom Friendly went and dressed me,

And I met Ben for brunch,

He promised life unpleasant

Gee Linus, thanks a bunch.

Guess I’ll go back to this cage now,

That housed a polar bear.

And I think I’ll kill my boredom

By having an affair.

This song totally existed, you guys. And the idea of Josh Holloway singing this makes it all the better. Again, as a reminder: I got paid to write this stuff. The late 2000’s were great.

(To the tune of Bloodhound Gang’s “The Bad Touch.”)

Sweat baby, sweat baby

Breaking up this quarry rock

Me and you doing hard-aass labor

They got us working around the clock

You slave all day in that dress

And I cannot stop from staring

Picket’s got us under duress

And this pacemaker keeps on blaring

Every night we return

To a kind of polar bear mansion

While we’re here, Freckles dear

Let’s go start our own expansion.

I’m talking ’bout sex, forget about your ex

Don’t worry ’bout the doc

As for prying eyes, a word to the wise

Just keep your mind here on the prize

You and me baby in a cage made for mammals

So let’s do it for the perverts on the closed-circuit channels

You and me baby in a cage made for mammals

So let’s do it for the perverts on the closed-circuit channels

“Enter 77,” enter The Bangles. Seems logical enough. A lot of the songs in this season were about Locke blowing things up, since that’s 89% of what he did in the show that year. I quite like how the bridge came out in this one.

(To the tune of The Bangles’ “Eternal Flame.”)

Marvin: Override…has been achieved, tell me

Has there been an incursion, are the hostiles near?

Tell me now, proclaim, do you need some food?

Or are you really planning to blow up the Flame?

Locke: From these shores, we cannot flee, Marvin

I see things while I’m sleeping, I belong right here

All of us the same, if we don’t, we’re screwed

Someone might be scanning, so goodbye, The Flame!

My claim to fame, TNT’s the aim

One by one, so ‘splodey, and then I will go reclaim

I don’t wanna lose this healing….oooohh….

For the first trip to Jacob’s cabin in “The Man Behind The Curtain,” I wanted something which would belie the seriousness of the journey. I’m pretty sure we chose wisely in this regard.

(To the tune of The B-52s’ “Love Shack.”)

Ben: If you see a shabby home in a circle of ash

It’s just a few more yards to the ghoooooost shack!

Ghost shack baby

Locke: Where we’re going, I’m not certain

Heading with the man….behind the curtain

Heading with the man behind the curtain

I’ve got me a corpse here

Just like I was ordered

Now I wanna head down to the ghost shack

I beat up the Russian

The guy’s like 220

So hurry up, and leave my dead dad’s body!

Ben: The ghost shack

Is a creepy old place where

You can’t use a flashlight…

Ghost shack! That’s where it’s at!

Ghost shack! That’s where it’s at!

Locke: Shakin’ and a rumblin’

Fallin’ and a tumblin’

Jacob’s causin’ mischief

And now he’s all a-mumblin’

The ghost shack shudders when Jacob finally utters

A sound, a sound, a sound, a sound:

Jacob: Jooooohhhhhhhnnnnn Locke! Help me!

Remember how I said season-ending numbers had to be epic? One way is to go operatic. Another is to invoke rap songs about rear ends. Variety: The bloop of life. Take it away, Bearded Jack.

 (To the tune of Sir Mix a Lot’s “Baby Got Back.”)

Jack:

I done fucked up and I cannot lie

I shoulda listened to that guy

Cuz the Oceanic 6 are taking their licks

And everything’s gone awry

I had clung, I had had enough

Life on the Island was so rough

Deep in the bottle I’m drinking

I’m stoned and I can’t stop thinking

Oh Katie, I wish you pick up

Even though I hiccup

That John Locke tried to warn me

Now fate constantly sc-sc-scorns me

Slippin’ slowly around the bend

And now I lost all my friends

I’m flying weekly

Cuz I’m walkin’ through life so meekly

I see doctors glancin’

I ain’t advancin’

Cuz I sweat, and fret

Returning I do regret

So Austen (what?)

Austen (what?)

All other options are exhaustin’

So turn around, help me out

There’s only one thing I don’t doubt

We have to go back!

Act 4

A whole cavalcade of new characters reached the Island at the beginning of the season, so I thought they needed a concise intro. I add some extra verses before getting to the bridge/finale, but you’ll get the point. In some ways, I think my intro’s better than what actually happened in “Confirmed Dead”.

(To the tune of the theme from “The Brady Bunch.”)

Here’s the story

Of a man gone crazy

Was a scientist but now his head’s Swiss cheese

Watching television while

He cries his eyes out

For that blame Eloise

Here’s the story

Of a real-life Haley

Who spent time talking to dead guys for quick cash

First he revved up his machine

Said “you can go now”

Then made off with the stash

Here’s the story

Of a red-haired lady

Who’s been busy in the desert digging bones

She was searching for her past

But found a collar

Its meaning yet unknown

Here’s the story

Of a plot gone shady

And the pilot who discovered things were wrong

Saw his buddy’s rotten hand

With no ring on

He’d worn it all life long

Till the one day when Abbadon met Naomi

And he told her he had something of a hunch

That these four should go on the Kahana

That’s the way they all became the Freighter Bunch

The Freighter Bunch!

The Freighter Bunch!

That’s the way they became the Freighter Bunch!

“The Other Woman” isn’t a great episode of the show, but it did let me envision Elizabeth Mitchell singing one of early ‘90s best R&B songs. So that’s not nothing.

 (To the tune of Bell Biv Devoe’s “Poison.”)

Juliet:

Jack, I must warn you

Harper planted things in my mind

Yea, yo, this new station’s mysterious

Let’s hurry cuz we’re running out of time

It’s purpose? Electrical

At least that was it at the start

But now it’s deadly

No time to explain, let’s depart

Mm mm, check it out

Ben’s driving me out outta my mind

That’s why I have to go alone

To stop Char and Faraday

Find them, shoot them, stop them, deploy that gas and we’re dead

That station’s poison

Poison

Used in the Purge by the Hostiles

That station’s poison

Poison , poison, yo, how’d it begin

Crying over babies, then met Goodwin

Ben got jealous, we had to lay low

Stealthy picnics served with Merlot

Then 815 on the scene know what I mean?

See what I’m sayin’ huh

Rather than overtly provoke

What did Ben do? Sent him to die with the tail folk.

I’m not sure the show ever truly explicated the rift between Ben Linus and Charles Widmore, so I tried to make sense of it by way of Kermit The Frog and rewrite a big scene from “The Shape Of Things To Come.”

 (To the tune of Jim Henson’s “The Rainbow Connection.”)

Ben: Why were you interested

In Tovar’s old journal?

And what he did write inside?

Thought you had vision

But you had delusions

So you had to leave our side.

So you were told

And yet you don’t believe it

You still blame this on me.

Someday we’ll find it

The Widmore connection

The Black Rock, Kahana, and me.

Charles: Your sole undying wish

No doubt made my cancer

That your spiteful self gave me

Desmond did turn the key

Then you went in action

And launched your own ship from Fiji

Then Keamy and his pecs

Came and killed my Alex

Doing so broke our big rule

Someday I’ll sever, this Widmore connection

And kill you at last you old fool.

I really, really like how this came out, even if it’s almost impossible to read without playing the song along in the background. As background, “Cabin Christian” is what I called the version of Jack’s dad that appeared in episode 4.11, “Cabin Fever”.) Jack as Eponine still makes me laugh to this day. Let’s move an Island, o miserable people!

(To the tune of Les Miserables’ “One Day More.”)

Ben: One turn more

With Pierre’s jacket clinging onto me

That fickle bitch is smiling full of glee

The Island seems to know my crime

I can’t believe this is my time

One turn more!

Sawyer: I have to sacrifice today.

I have to jump now from this chopper!

Ben: One turn more!

Sawyer and Kate: Tomorrow you’ll be miles away

So let’s say bye now good and proper!

Jack: One more day to watch them smooch.

Sawyer and Kate: One more cage kiss just for luck!

Jack: When I’m back, I’ll drink all the hooch!

Sawyer and Kate:  Sweaty loins have run amuck!

Jack: Lord, this guy is such a mooch.

Sawyer and Kate: That poor Jack is such a smuck!

Jack: Hope I haven’t screwed the pooch!

Michael: One more blast of C02!

Jin: Is the helicopter here?

Michael: Then I’ll regain my honor!

Jin: Shall I join my dear wife there?

Michael: The wires starting to get warm

Jin: Will Sun start to despair?

Michael: Where did that old man come from?

All: The Island will soon disappear!

Ben: One turn more!

Des: One more day to the reunion

I will find my bonny girl

She has sailed across the ocean

Our future will unfurl!

Ben: One turn more!

Cabin Christian and Claire: Watch those little schmucks

They sure dropped the ball

Can’t believe our luck

So sayonara y’all

Donkey wheel did slip

Really not by much

Just enough to get John

Here for one more touch!

All: Tomorrow we’ll discover

What Cabin Christian has in store!

One more flash

One more bloop

One turn more!

Act V

Remember how I said that “bloop” was an inside joke? Here’s another example, with Hurley on the boat in “The Lie” explaining how he’s not down with the cover up plan.

(To the tune of Salt-N-Pepa’s “Shoop.”)

Hurley: Here we go, here we go, here we go again

Who moved the Island? Ben! OK then

Chillin’, chillin’, here on Penny’s boat

Sittin’ around and we gotta take a vote

The truth? A lie? You gotta believe me

I cannot tell a fib, that way rolls not this Hurley

Once back home this will eat me from inside

Back to Santa Rosa I probably will hide

Oh, crazy, crazy, crazy Hugo

Looks like he’ll return so why don’t you go

Raise Turnip Head like he was your own

What do I care, just don’t answer the phone

Voices coming from the Island will be heard

And your own sanity lined will be blurred

But if that’s what you want, heck, don’t keep me in the loop

Just remember when it’s done that the Island went bloop, bloop, bloop…

Trying to rewrite “Bombs Over Baghdad” wasn’t my smartest idea ever. I wrote each line trying to match the cadence of the original first verse AND make it plot accurate, and the results…well, I tried. Some works, some doesn’t, but it was fun to do all the same.

(To the tune of Outkast’s “Bombs Over Baghdad”)

Faraday: It’s not rational, we’ve been found

Soldiers round and we’re now on the ground (Woo!)

A redshirt tripped a wire when he should have stayed

Set off the grenades

Who are they? I am unprepared

I know where, but when is in the air

For Char trying to stay brave

While marching slowly over a mass grave

So now we sittin’ in a pitched-up Army tent

Trying to throw them off the scent

Must figure out a way to circumvent

I think I know the year this represents

One-nine-five-four and I propose a quid pro quo

To help my friends you see

Though I know the consequences for messing are stressing

Me out, I notice a detail

Radiation burns making them pale

Hot!

An H-bomb making them frail

They still believe my tall tale

Maybe yet I can avail

I veil this an Army matter

Making up some classified chatter

Insist the bomb could suddenly shatter

They have questions, I have the answer

Cure for leaking, problem fades

Lest this become the end of days

Ellie leads me, something’s wrong

Feels like I’ve known her all along

Before my feelings completely sour

I see it there, hanging in a tower

Oh no, Dan-O, let your brain breathe

That leak you must explore

Owwww!

Don’t leave this thang out, you’ll see a mushroom bang

Bomb’s name is Jughead!

Yea!

Don’t leave this thang out, you’ll see a mushroom bang

Bomb’s name is Jughead!

Yea!

Without much to go on by the end of season five, I tried to articulate The Man In Black’s motivations to Ben. Raise up those lighters, everyone!

(Set to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”)

The Man in Black: Just a quiet boy, mama died while giving birth

He took the Galaga and met Annie there

Just a preemie boy, little there of any worth

I’ll use these simpletons to cure my despair.

He saw his mom outside his room

He’d missed her since he’d left her womb

She told him that it was not time yet

He’d wait on and on and on and on

Richard found him, wandering beyond the pylons

Whispers spoke to him in the night
Sayid shot him, boy that sure caused some commotion

My plan was about to ignite!

 

Next John Locke would do my will

Thinking that he knew the drill

Doing anything the “Island” asked

Time after time

Took his faith, bent it through

And then I bid Boone adieu

The button pushing never ends

He pushed on and on and on and on

 

Deranged leaders, turning that old donkey wheel

Banished, searching to return

Then Ben killed Locke, allowing me to find the loophole

At last, I’ll set it all right!

 

Don’t stop deceiving

Manipulate those feelings

Who needs people?

Don’t stop deceiving

Manipulate those feelings

Who needs people?

One Comment

  1. leena
    Posted January 14, 2016 at 6:47 pm | Permalink

    Brilliant. I want to see this RIGHT NOW.